We spend our lives accompanied by a voice few others ever hear: our own. It narrates, questions, criticises, daydreams, and occasionally cheers us on. But how often do we listen to that voice?
How often do we treat it as something worth engaging with, not silencing, overriding, or avoiding?
In a world of constant input, digital distractions, and expectations to perform, we often lose contact with our actual self, the one beneath the roles and reflexes.
But that self, when listened to with care and curiosity, becomes a guide, not a burden.
Who Is the Self?
From a person-centred perspective, the self is not a fixed entity. It’s a fluid, unfolding process. A blend of experience, perception, and meaning.
Carl Rogers described the “real self” as the authentic core that strives toward growth, while the “ideal self” often reflects interjected values: what others say we should be.
When these two selves diverge, inner conflict arises. We may feel anxious, lost, or inauthentic. The body echoes this dissonance in real, measurable ways:
• Heart Rate Variability (HRV) often decreases under internal tension.
• Cortisol levels increase when we experience self-judgment or emotional suppression.
• Default Mode Network (DMN) overactivation (linked to rumination and identity looping) reflects a brain caught in self-referential noise, not awareness.
In short, your biology listens when you don’t, and it often raises the alarm.
Most of us aren’t taught how to listen inwardly. We’re trained to perform, explain, and justify, not to simply notice or accept.
Yet just like any relationship, communication with the self deepens with attention and respect.
Here’s how that looks in practice:
1. Create a Listening Space
Start with silence. No screens, no music, no multitasking. This could be in the morning, during a walk, or even sitting on the edge of your bed. Ask gently:
“What am I feeling right now, without judgment?”
“What might that feeling be trying to tell me?”
You don’t have to fix it. You just have to hear it.
2. Replace Command with Curiosity
Notice the difference between:
• “I have to do this,” and
• “I wonder why this feels so urgent?”
Curiosity activates the prefrontal cortex, softens the inner critic, and invites awareness instead of avoidance.
3. Name the Inner Voices
Some of our self-talk doesn’t come from us, not really. It’s inherited from past environments, caregivers, or culture.
Give these voices names if it helps:
• “That’s Perfectionist Paula again.”
• “That’s Fearful Fred — he shows up every time I try something new.”
Naming creates distance. You become the observer, not the overwhelmed.
Talking Back — With Compassion
We often think of self-talk as a motivational tool: “Push harder.” “Don’t be weak.” But the most powerful dialogue we can have with ourselves isn’t about pushing, it’s about permission.
Compassionate self-talk, as demonstrated in modern research, reduces cortisol, boosts oxytocin, and fosters emotional resilience.
When we speak to ourselves like we would to someone we deeply care about, we rewire our nervous system for safety, not just survival.
Try this:
“I see you’re struggling. That makes sense. I’m here with you. Let’s take this one step at a time.”
