Okay so you’re going to have to stay with me on this one but I promise you it will be worth it. Apparently, making big promises in the first paragraph is the way to capture you reader, personally I’m not sure on that one, however to do assure you there will be a little-take home value in this post.
I have been thinking about how to best communicate my point in what your about to read, and quite honestly, I have been struggling on how to get it out. So, in a spark of genius (or daydream, whilst procrastinating on another task), I think I may have just figured it out.
What I would like you to do is imagine you’re on your own, sat in your car making that busy drive in to work. That song comes on the radio — we all have one. You turn it full blast and the hands start to tap. The world around you seems to fade. Suddenly your transported, in your head, to the main stage of Glastonbury.
Your coming to the money note, the guitar solo ends and your about to finish to the biggest crowd of you career when suddenly — the light turns red. You look to left and you realise there is a full busload of people laughing at your silent yet erratic dancing, not to dissimilar to a mime entering cardiac arrest.
See there is a concept that I have been floating about in my head for a number of years now. It originates from a little bit of observation to how I find my own experience when listening to music, alongside the ideas of exploring growth via means of vulnerability.
Most of the people who know me would say that I may have become a little sensible in my old age. Yet these same people would also agree that put me behind the wheel of a car, I could be on my way to a funeral, but the windows would be down — regardless of weather — with some country track cranked right up to the max.
Admittedly, this look was a lot easier to pull off when I drove pick-up trucks! One would think I may be a little more reserved in the family seven seater. Sadly not.
Over time I’ve developed what could only be described as a resilience to such embarrassment. Something that in a scenario devoid of that same musical element would inevitably send me in to a space of extreme anxiety. This didn’t come overnight. I have to admit there is a slight sense of ego that often needs recognition, but by utilising a little bit of creative licence and a sprinkle of imagination, I feel like for whatever reason this has provided me with place of safety slap bang in the middle of a mountain of vulnerability.
And as this as is the case with most lived experiences, I believe this can transfer to other areas of life. There’s value in simply giving it a go and exploring how it feels.
It’s often said that when you’re feeling frustrated, angry, or agitated one of the simplest ways to release tension is to acknowledge it — maybe talk to it, or even scream into a pillow. I want you to think of this as your “scream into a pillow” moment.
Our aim with this is to release the tension within the sense of vulnerability, as opposed to being a mechanism to release the pressure of a heightened mood state. For many this may seem like a strange concept, however I would like to offer up my thought process. Considerable as a confidence exercise however the results return best when confidence is a matter of scarcity.
Where this idea meets methodology is in a task I’ve been given twice during my psychotherapy training, by two different institutions. The exercise itself is designed as a personal development exercise; this should give a hint to the pending anxiety on offer.
The task is simple: pick a song to share with your peer group. That’s the personal bit. The development part? You have to sit alone in a chair, in the middle of the room, while it plays.
Even typing this makes me uncomfortable. The memory of those five minutes is still vivid. Because after the song ends, you’re expected to explain your choice — to both your lecturers and your peers.
I have attempted this exercise twice, both with differing outcomes.
As for the first time I was tasked this exercise, I entered it brimming with confidence. In fact, I was excited. My hand was first to be thrown up to volunteer — something I would generally refrain from, due to my awareness in not trying to look too arrogant. But this felt like a chance to show off.
I have an eclectic taste in music, as did a few of my peers. I was confident that I could choose a track that would at least invoke some level of regard, and in turn engagement. I obsessed about my song choice, conscious that this was my big moment and I didn’t want it to flop. Little did I know what I was actually doing in this process was unintentionally building a barrier to the overall effectiveness of the exercise itself.
My rush to find metrics to measure the success of my song deviated me away from exploring my own feelings. So when the song actually played, and I had to sit there in silence while the room listened, the reality hit me like a brick. What should have been meaningful turned into a shock-inducing, ego-driven performance.
The second time was different.
As for in this experience I was not deluded by the idea of fame, in fact I entered this one well aware of what to expect. An awareness that made all the difference!.
Whereas in my last experiencing of this task I had experienced two psychological states that highlight a negative response — that being excitement and confident, to vulnerable and anxious. In this experience I had entered in a state of vulnerability, the awareness to this vulnerability for me being key. Thus, allowing me to sit within that space and explore it to a level previously unattainable due to the shock factor . This further allowing me to postulate that the manner to which my honest reflection of that vulnerability was received was nothing to feared.
For in allowing myself to be vulnerable, and more importantly accepting myself in that moment, something shifted. And as I recognised that acceptance in others, something that had set out as fear-ridden, became almost enjoyable.
The five-minute summery, although still emotional at its foundations, felt more like a gentile reflection and not like an audition for a tv talent show.
My song Coal by Dylan Gossett,
Gossett, a 25-year-old Austin, Texas native (born in 1999), wrote "Coal" in 2021 during a personal low point following a breakup and struggles with feeling stuck in life.
He described it as a therapeutic outlet for dealing with alcoholism, failed relationships, and existential pressure, drawing from his family's tradition of playing music around campfires at his grandfather's lake house near Burnet, Texas. At the time, Gossett wasn't pursuing music professionally — he worked at Circuit of the Americas racetrack after graduating from Texas A&M in 2021 and started posting originals on TikTok on a whim after covering artists like Flatland Cavalry and The Lumineers.
"Coal" was initially recorded simply on a laptop microphone in his bedroom after its viral tease, and its raw, acoustic style resonated with fans, blending influences from Tyler Childers, Zach Bryan, Noah Kahan, and red-dirt country acts like Shane Smith & the Saints.
I hypothesise that the song choice itself in its nature is irrelevant, with the only condition being that its is a song that holds a meaning and is readily available online.
My decision to select the same song to present on both occasions was somewhat bias as I was interested to assess a differing in emotions, yet I do feel it was valid as the song I opted for is one in which I truly do find a connection. What I do find interesting is how my differing in conditions seemed to play a part.
For me, this song's central metaphor compares the narrator's untransformed life to coal under pressure — coal that fails to become a diamond, symbolizing resilience amid hardship – something that strongly recognise within my own life. This sentiment to be considered higher upon the second go of this exercise due to the recent passing of my father and how his narrative played in to my initial song choice.
Although one may be excused for thinking that this would add to a sense of psychological discomfort, the result was surprising. The increased sense of vulnerability opened the door for an increased sense of self-acceptance, this in turn offered alleviation from psychological distress.
My conclusion to this a simple one:
The more we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable, the more chance we have of experiencing acceptance — both from ourselves and others. And with acceptance comes a real sense of psychological relief.
Increase the sense of vulnerability and the opportunity for experiencing and acceptance increases in conjunction. Increased acceptance offers a greater felt sense of psychotherapeutic relief. The fundamental barometer being that of the awareness to the sense of vulnerability itself, for as acceptance is amplified upon the recognition of how this vulnerability is received. In short when we accept ourselves, and indeed embrace our most vulnerable moments, we increase our chances of psychological balance.
The leading lyric in my songs chorus reads “And they say pressure makes diamonds, how the hell am I still coal?”, and for me, although rather rudimentary, it was in telling myself that actually although diamonds are nice to look at, coal holds a lot more value when we consider use case, that allowed me to honour that acceptance. I strongly believe that by making that comparison, I allowed myself to recognise that I still hold value in those moments – this heightening my levels of acceptance further, with catalytic effect.
So here’s my challenge to you.
My proposal being that if the conditions to which this scenario is experienced are elevated then so must be the felt sense of psychological relief.
Next time your playlist lands on that one song — the one that means something — don’t just tap the steering wheel. What I ask you to do is for that three whatever so minutes that the track plays you fully let go. Rock out as if your life is the music video.
And when you hit the red light, don’t melt with embarrassment. Step it up a notch. Sing to the person in the next car. Rock out the air guitar! Sure, you’ll feel silly at first. But I promise — it will be met with laughter, smiles, maybe even a mid-traffic dance partner.
It may seem a little farfetched, but I assure anybody that gives this a go, will find themselves doing this increasingly, which in turn can only have a positive impact on their level of self-acceptance.
Accept that coal is more valuable than diamonds, accept the vulnerability in the moment - your life your stage so the onlookers simply don’t matter anymore.